What about your friends....?

I miss my friends.

Not the ones that I have now but the ones I've lost over the years.
Its just hard to understand how people that I once cared so much for simply drifted out of my life.
and I'm always left thinking the same thing...
Is it me?
Did I do something wrong?

I'm not just talking about associates or people I just used to see out and about...
No, I mean I've lost friends...
People I talked to every day for years.
People who helped to shape who I am as a person.
I've lost friendships that I treasured more than anything.

But how?
What exactly happened?
How do friendships just fade away and die?
Why do people just leave without bothering to say goodbye?

I know I'm guilty of doing that but only when I felt it was extremely necessary.
Only when I didn't have a choice.
I can't stand feeling suffocated.
and when I feel like I can't breath
I just need to break away.
With Tyra and Kid, I just needed to break away.
I needed to just get away from people who weren't beneficial to my life at all.

But those weren't even friends.
Those were girlfriends.
The only friends that I've been guilty of leaving are Moe and Gina, which are ironically two of my oldest friends.
Its hard to explain but I knew I just needed to step away from them for a min.
With Moe, she was caught up in a life that I didn't want anymore.
I didn't want any of that drama and I thought she would understand but she didn't.
And she still doesn't.
I always wonder what would happen if we ever happened to see each other.
Would we speak?
Would we just walk away as if we were total strangers and then later regret not pausing to acknowledge that at one point we were friends?
Or maybe we would lash out at each other because neither of us can accept that both of us are to blame for the demise of our friendship.
Who knows...

And Gina was and still is my best friend, my rock.
She's been there for me through so much.
But we just kinda grew apart.
We're on two different paths and I hate feeling ashamed of how smart I am when I'm around her. I feel bad that I'm in school and that she's kinda stuck in a tough spot.
Most of all, I get upset because I'm tired of feeling different.
Tired of people telling me that I talk, act and dress different.
Tired of hearing how much I've changed.

And really...is there anything wrong with change?
Why should I be forced to stay the same?
If I don't change, how can I ever grow?


And in other news....

All is well with Jae and I.
Gosh, I dig her...
I mean I really dig her...

I enjoy just sitting with her
Listening to her thoughts flow
Resting my head on her shoulder
while she shares her opinions about this and that.
Today we both shared how we both could never imagine getting into an argument.
Thats how strong our bond is.
I could never imagine yelling at her or fighting with her.
I could imagine deliberately saying hurtful things to wound her spirit.
I just couldn't...

I'm super excited about Thanksgiving and of course, her birthday is coming up too.
*sigh* My beautiful Saggitarius...
I can't believe that this is really happening.
I'm finally in the relationship that I've waited my entire life for.
I have a woman who adores me.
Treasures me....
The thought of her fills my heart with so much joy.

Gosh, I love this feeling...
Its awesome.